Every year women across the world are about to or trying to have a second child. I struggled with these feelings and I am sure you maybe doing so too. When you find out your having a second baby, your mind goes into overdrive. What will make first child think? How will I cope with two chidren? How is this going to make me feel? All valid questions and hopefully I will address some of your worries in this post. I have told this story from the heart because I know that it may well help other parents with burning questions.
My First thoughts my Second Baby
When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I endured countless hours of lost sleep worrying that I could never love this child as much as my first. Shockingly, I had planned to have my second baby, I had tried for months to get pregnant, yet when I found out I was actually pregnant the worry crept in.
My first child was nearly five years old when I got pregnant and by the time I was three months gone he was just starting Primary School. I wondered how I would cope with such massive changes to our home and lifestyle seriously I was so nervous, when I think back.
How can I love this unborn child as much as my First son?
I started questioning myself on a daily basis, I asked myself how I would feel towards the second baby I was carrying? I even succumb to the fact that I could never love this child as much as my first son, I mean how could I? I had given all my love to this one little boy for five years, I suppose it’s normal to wonder how I would feel about this new baby, who would be taking up more time in our lives.
I continued to have Fears
As my pregnancy progressed so did my anxiety, I loved my first son so much, he was my world and I hated the fact he had started School and missed him tremendously. When my due date came, I even put off going into hospital until I had purchased my son a football kit he had been wanting, I remember being in the early stages of labour in the Leeds United Football shop. I can even remember being in so much pain, I threw my purse at my mum to pay whilst I was doubled over in pain. It didn’t stop there, I still felt I couldn’t go into the hospital until I had packed my son off with his Auntie and Grandad for a day out at ‘The Deep in Hull. Hours later, with my bag ready I then allowed myself to go to the hospital and let proceedings commence!
Now I just know how silly I was at the time when I arrived at the hospital and I was admitted I was already 8cm dilated, once my waters had been broken it was only 10 minutes later until my second son was born. With no time for pain relief and I suppose a lot of shock at the speed he had arrived, I can remember not actually holding my little bundle of joy at first. I needed medical intervention due to blood loss and the nurses said I was in shock. Still I feel like a bad mother for saying I asked for a cup of tea and toast whilst my husband sat nursing our new little addition to the family.
I didn’t get the chance to instantly bond with my son, I think my head was in a complete mess, I felt an enormous feeling of guilt that I was not with my son because I was in hospital having another baby, would he his grandparents feeling resentful, I asked myself.
The Memories
I can remember in the last few month’s of my pregnancy purchasing Toys, sweets and nick knacks to give to my son as a gift from his new brother. I kept worrying that my first child would feel neglected, as my new baby would need lots of attention from me and he would feel the baby would be taking all my love.All that worry for Nothing!
Now I realise looking back nearly twelve years on, Just how much I had worried for nothing. I didn’t just love my new little bundle of joy, he was now my world too, My world had just got that little bit bigger! Don’t get me wrong, there were bumps along the way. Sibling jealousy trying to find a happy balance as parents, spending time with both my boys on there own and all together as a family. I still found it really hard dropping my son off at school and then spending the day alone with my baby, enjoying our quality time together whilst feeling guilty for doing so. However, I gradually started to realise I had spent the same time with my first son, giving him all my love and attention.
My Boys are my World
Both my boys are my world. I love them both exactly the same, yet at the same time in different ways. My children are both so unique and require my love in very different ways, having two very people with different personalities to love. They have both opened up my heart more than they would ever know showing me that I can love them both and not be without them for a single second. It’s so hard to imagine at first that you can have this unconditional love for more than one child, but if you are experiencing these kind of feelings. Please rest assured that you will regret feeling that way, and you will truly over come all the worries you have, when the new little one arrives. I am sure there are other parents who have been in the same situation, or maybe going through these feelings right now.
Please don’t bottle them up, if you want to talk to someone about your worries, please feel free to email myself at [email protected] or comment here and see what others have to say.
Rachel x
Thank you for such an honest post! I felt the same with my girls. There is only an 18 month gap between them, but I remember thinking how on earth could I possibly have any more love to give seeing as my first was everything to me. Same as you though, Edith arrived quickly once my labour started (I was induced) and I felt a bit in shock at first, but once things had settled down back at home, I realised that I was worrying for no reason. I love them both equally to the moon and back and could not imaging my life without them!
I think that as a mum already, I felt that I was a bad mum for worrying about how I would love another child and so kept my worries to myself and didn’t tell anyone. I should have though! Any mum with more than one child would have been able to tell me that I was worrying over nothing!
My two girls love each other and it is clear to me that my first daughter doesn’t feel any neglect because there are two of them and I have to share my time between them. I have made a very conscious effort to include both of them and get them involved in tasks that I am doing so that they can help each other too. (Fetching things, tidying up, making lunch/snacks etc)
Thanks again for this post! 🙂
Thank you for such a lovely not to mention long message.Our stories sound so similar, I am glad we both ended up not having t worry and having enough love for two children. I didn’t tell anyone either, I felt bad for even thinking it!
Your girls sound lovley and very close to each other. My boys have a 5 year difference,so it is hard for them to be interested in the same things at the same time, they love each other deep down though. Thanks for making me feel not so much like a Monster Mum, I was worried people would think bvery badly of me.
what a beautiful honest post! I only have one but I can imagine feeling the same way x
Thanks Fritha for taking the time to leave a lovely comment x
THANK YOU! I have a 21 month old and another one due in August and I am really panicking! I honestly cannot imagine loving/nurturing something as much as I love my Son. This blog was great…….I feel much more relieved now!
Please do not worry, Save your energy for having two little lovely tots to run around after! I wish I could stop your panicking for you and assure you your heart will just melt again when you have the new baby and still be big enough to love two children. If I had a magic wand I would take away all your anxiety for you. Please believe me I never thought it was possible to love your second child as much but you really do, I don’t know how but you just do.You have made my day saying I have made you feel more relieved.
stumbled across this article and to tell the truth I was a little skeptical at first… I really loved this particular comment, I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones but it almost brought tears to my eyes… God always has a beautiful way of helping us mothers overcome the hurdles that seem so impossible.
Thank you for the down to earth post…. p.s the thing about the toast and tea made me smile. xxx
great post! I remember worrying about the same thing when pregnant with my second, but you really do love them just as much! I have three girls now and love them all to bits x
You really never know how much you really will love them until they are here and in your arms. I didn’t know I had the capacity to love 2 children. Somehow you just do, Mums hearts are an amazing thing. Thanks for commenting x
Thank you! I have a 21 month old and one arriving in August and this has been really praying on my mind. You have eased a lot of the tension,
What a really beautiful post! I only have one son and I think about these things too. I’d like to have another baby some day but a little scared. Glad it worked out. I know I’d probably be like you though, just love my children unconditionally.
You sound like a lovely mum and as if you love your son so much you feel you would have the same fears like I did, Us Mums worry too much! Thank you for your lovely comment
Great post :] I just had my second child my daughter is 4 months old and I have a two year old. I was nervous about how I would give them both enough attention it was so different going from one to two but so worth it!
Another mum who has gone through the same as me and come out on the other side and have enough love for 2 children. I never realised just how many people felt like this. Thanks for leaving your comment 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your story xx
Thanks Michelle x
A very honest post. I had my daughter just a month after my son started school. It was a big change in our lives so I can understand your worries. Plus I know when I was pregnant, both times, that I worried unnecessarily about all sorts of things. I think that it is only natural. You want to do the best for your children so there is a lot to think about. I’m glad that your children get on so well. You have put on some lovely photos to show how close they are. Lovely.
They were close but we did have our ups and downs, Mow my eldest is a teen they are not as close and like chalk and cheese. My youngest is all cuddly and full of emotions and my eldest is the opposite, The youngest one would love them to be more close, I wish they were too. Thanks for sharing your story with me, It makes me feel a little less like I was neaurotic.I think us mums are born worriers.
Lovely post! I have been trying for a second baby too, and with lots of the same fears/concerns!
I hope you can all least feel you are not alone with your Fears & concerns. As mums we naturally worry. Believe me, this is one thing you do not have to worry about.
I hope you can al least feel you are not alone with your Fears & concerns. As mums we naturally worry. Believe me, this is one thing you do not have to worry about.
We joke around about the second kid theory all the time.. but we love them both them same..
I think you always do love them the same just have so much anxiety until they are actually here. Thanks for your message 🙂
I actually thought the same thing when I was pregnant with my second child but once she was born I had love for both of my daughters equally. Thanks so much for sharing your story and your honesty.
What a lovely post about your boys – they are both cuties. I don’t have any kids of my own, but this is actually the first time that I read this point of view before – it’s something I didn’t even stop to think happens with some parents. I usually read about a parent’s fear that the first born will feel different about having a new sibling. Recently, I met up with my best friend from out of town and her two lil’ girls – one of which is my god-daughter (who is 3). The new baby is 9 months. I watched my god-daughter to see how she would react to her mommy giving what looked like a lot of attention to her younger sister. I was amazed how she didn’t seem phased by it and didn’t look jealous. I had expected her to ‘act out.’ Anyhow, new babies are an adjustment for everyone, and I loved reading your post.
i really just thought it was only me that felt like this whilst pregnant and I was just far too emotional and a natural worrier. I am shocked to read in the messages just how many mums and perhaps dads feel like this.Like you I don’t really think this is discussed.Thanks f taking the time to read this post x
i really just thought it was only me that felt like this whilst pregnant and I was just far too emotional and a natural worrier. I am shocked to read in the messages just how many mums and perhaps dads feel like this.Like you I don’t really think this is discussed.Thanks for taking the time to read this post x
Such an honest post, thank you for sharing. We are debating whether to start TTC at the end of the year and I am having similar fears.
Thank You, everyone has written such lovely comments, I am utterly shocked. I suppose I just started writing, not worrying too much about grammer ect and before I knew it I had wrote a full page! I have been playing with my new printer/scanner so I could add pictures of my boys when they were younger. If I can help 1 mum not worry so much then It will have been so worthwhile.
I only have one child and it’s amazing how much you can love your child. I would love to have another one. Hopefully one day…
Enjoy the one you have now and if you do have another baby try not to worry our hearts can love so much,Thank You for leaving a lovely comment x
What a lovely post Rachel!
I haven’t any children but I can imagine the worry you had…..but I don’t think any of us realise how much love our hearts can hold until it’s tested 🙂
Thank you for sharing!
Claire
Xx
http://pennyforthemuk.com
Thank You Claire, It means so much that you have taken the time to leave a lovely comment.I totally agree that our hearts can hold so much more than we ever truly believe they can.
what treasured thoughts and photos! My good friend is trying for their second baby…she will be happy to read this so will pass it on
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Please pass this on to your friend, I hope it can make her feel a little more reassured. Thanks for liking the photos, I bought a scanner last week, so I am loving getting all the old photos uploaded.
When I started to read your post, I felt as if you were quoting one of mine. I felt the EXACT same way when I became pregnant with my second daughter. My first daughter was only 3 months when this happened. I felt silly just like you, but I think it is a normal feeling because love is overwhelming and our desire to be good moms, loving moms, will forever instill those types of concern in us. You are a wonderful mom and your boys are lovely!
Thank you for your truly lovely comment. I am pleased it wasn’t just me that felt this way and I wasn’t such a horrible Mum for having these thoughts and feelings.
My family has been struggling with the decision on a 2nd baby as well, after I read this, this is a beautiful post and a good read – now I feel a little silly for being afraid.Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for reading my post. If speaking out about the way I felt can stop someone else from worrying needlessly then I will be very happy!
Don’t ever feel silly for worrying, I think it is our job as a parent! I would never be without my second son now, don’t ever let worry stop you doing what could be the best decision you make well apart from your first child. Thanks for your lovely comment x
After reading this yesterday I asked my friends on the school run if they felt like that and the answer was a resounding YES. I think it must be an extremely common worry but I don’t think it’s talked about as much as it perhaps should be so thanks for this post, I hope it will help aleviate other peoples worry 🙂
Wow I feel honored that I became part of your School Run talk! I hope this post alleviates other mums to be worries too. Thank You so much for taking the time to read the post and comment.x
yes! fear can really paralyze. Fear made my pregnancy miserable and, like you, I know I should’ve let the worry go. Great post!
It’s strange we worry so much because the only thing it does is stop us enjoying the entire pregnancy in itself.Thank you for your comment.
I think most expectant moms feel this way. I also appreciate that you had what it takes to admit it in order to help other new moms know what to expect.
Thank You Kay for your lovely comment.
This is such a wonderful honest account. I’m currently TTC baby 2 and it seems so hard to imagine loving someone else so much but somehow I know it will just happen. So many mums would benefit reading this before number 2.
Thank you Holly! At least you know in advance that you will love your second child as much. The great thing is everyone does deep down, nonetheless that doesn’t stop us mums worrying.
Great post, I shared this in a moms group.
Thank you so Much! Christi!
This is beautiful. I have the same fears myself as my husband and I are planning to have a second child. Thank you for sharing.
You are welcome! Good luck in the future.
I have 5 children and now one grandchild , i can remember each time myself worrying if we will love them the same, but that love that you build is amazing. even when my grandchild came along i wondered if i would have the bond with him as i do with my own children. and of course i do, its amazing the feeling of love that can stretch so far
What a sweet comment! Thank you. This proves there is enough love to go around.
Hiya!
Thanks so much for putting this on your blog. I’m pregnant with my second and it was planned but I’m still worried about how it will all be when this one’s born. Because my first is simply amazing in my eyes. Thanks for helping xxx
Jess! Your first child will never stop being amazing and your second child will be amazing too. You will certainly have enough love for two.
Thank you so much for your article, I stumbled across it when you commented on a question on babycentre.co.uk. You’ve certainly made me feel much much better. We are just planning on trying for our 2nd (our first boy is 2 1/2) and I am scared so this has settled my nerves alot!
xxx
You are very welcome, its an awful feeling but seriously If you have love for one, you certainly have enough love for more!
It’s lovely to see such positivity on this subject. I have a stunning, clever, funny unique 2 and a half year old lady, who is my absolute everything, not to mention his grandparents!! And I’ve just found out I’m pregnant… I’m terrified, I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid, I feel as though I may regret keeping it at this point, what if having another baby ruins the bond I have with my son, he isn’t the best socialist and he can be a brute at times which worries me also. And what if I can’t handle it, I’m somewhat of a hypochondriac I also have mild panic attacks frequently!! I don’t want to keep going on, but I feel like I need talking down from this hysteria I’m feeling!
O I remember feeling exactly the same. How could I even begin to love another child as much as my first. But I guess the heart is stretchy!! She’s nearly 21 and he’s nearly 18. Both loved equally!!
I love finding new blogs to read!
Ooh this is so interesting, my daughter will actually burst into tears or give people the evil eye if they bring up that awkward, invasive question “when are you having another baby?!” because she is so sure we wouldn’t be able to love her any more if we had more.
I’ve never worried about being able to love both my babies – though, like you, I’ve had concerns about loving the first one more! I’m glad you found that you love both of your boys equally!
I remember this feeling before my second child was born. I thought, how can my heart hold any more love for another person? It is already full…. I also remember the feeling of my heart growing 2 sizes bigger after my daughter was born. 🙂
Love the comment from Rachel that our hearts are ‘stretchy’! It describes beautifully our capacity for loving so much more than we realise. My eldest does get a bit envious of the amount of time that I spend with the little one but I think that it’s also a vital part of growing up to realise that you’ve got to wait your turn and it doesn’t mean that you’re any less loved! Thank you for linking up this fab post at #sharethejoy this week – hope to see you again on Monday 🙂
I didn’t have the same anxiety as you but i do remember worrying i wouldn’t love my second child as much, but of course nature takes over. I did laugh at your crazy antics in labour thought 🙂 lovely post
#thelist
I remember feeling exactly the same way – i couldn’t comprehend loving a second child as much as the first. but, of course, i did. i have a similar age gap between my two and i do feel lucky to be able to give my son the same one-to-one attention (while my daughter is at school) that she had. this is a beautiful, honest post x